It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
