Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My vagina just recognized that song.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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