tonight lets celebrate not being married
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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