burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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