i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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