roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
