Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
