I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
only you would photoshop your dick
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
