I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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