a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She's the barista slut.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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