Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
