I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
