I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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