Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
