I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
should my penis look like a turkey
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
