I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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