I think I died a long time ago.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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