I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
