where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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