Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
