The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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