Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
sarcasm needs its own font
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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