All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize