I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
