I cannot find my penis.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
