When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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