Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We left the knife in your bed.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
