I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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