she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
