Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
