She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
