I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
