Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
