I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
