im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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