i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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