next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize