I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I love you. Go after that dick
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
