At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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