I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
