Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
