She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
