I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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