love makes seman taste better
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
