Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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