I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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