life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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