i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
