well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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