she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
