Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
