I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
