Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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