There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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