i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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