see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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