it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
